Posts Tagged ‘alcoholism’

So yesterday was a pretty rough day if I’m honest.

My core was still (and is still) so raw from the blitz I did on Tuesday with weighted sit ups, leg raises and 7 min drop-sets of weighted-crunches – so much so I actually felt ill all day. On top of this when I posted this on my facebook I got returns from people who I barely know giving me advice like “oh I got that when I first started”. I don’t know why that made me so irrationally angry – that some guy I barely talk to, is assuming in a rookie who “pushed too hard”. I mean, excuse me but f*** off! (See… very irrationally angry.)

As the day wore on, I found myself less and less inspired at work, despite the successes of April Pledge so far and the great progress I’ve been making in my book. The last 2 hours at work I got almost nothing done.

My Depression had come back.

Despite my hopes that April Pledge had somehow fixed this permanently, it was sadly just a stall and yesterday I felt debilitating sadness. I wanted to cry at my desk and tell my boss not to bother renewing my work contract because they were wasting their money on me… Then as I waited for my wife at the end of the day outside the train station I found myself being dragged further down by the numerous rabbit sellers. These are people who drive around with a cart on the back of their bikes filled with rabbits crushed into cages which they can’t move around in. People gawk, and when they want to buy, the seller yanks it out by its head.

I had to physically restrain myself from doing the same to the sellers… (sadly such is China…)

I got home and I just lay down on the bed, half way through undressing, staring at the ceiling. I didn’t want to work out… I wanted a gin and tonic. It was calling to me. Gin & Tonic and my Louie DVD’s – surely that would cheer me up?

Call it divine intervention or just my pride but a tiny voice in my head made me get changed into my workout gear and said “hey you don’t have to do back if you don’t want to buddy. Just do your favourite workout – Chest! That’ll cheer you up and it’s not been worked on this week yet so you won’t be risking injury.”

Well, the good news is – I did just that. I put out the bench, blasted my workout music (much to my cats’ dissatisfaction) and got a serious pump on, working my chest like hell. With the new bowflex, I was pumping out 6 reps of 140lbs (my new personal best!) I was so proud of myself and best of all. The only drink I had last night was a protein shake 🙂

The bad news is today is Friday, and while I’m seeing one of my best friends for my birthday dinner today is the —————–

https://i2.wp.com/crossfit7mile.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/worst-day-rest-day.jpg

🙂 Have a great weekend everyone and keep smiling 🙂

I’m going to put this bluntly. I fucked up.

I haven’t been to the gym in over a month, which given my personal health goals, is appalling. On top of that I continued to struggle with my relationship with alcohol and have probably had less than 5 days in the last month I have not had a drink. My relationship with alcohol is linked so very much to my depression and the only thing that holds both of those at bay – is exercise. When I gym – I completely lose the will to drink alcohol. My body feels too fired up to drink (as alcohol is a depressant).

I have known for a long time that I should get back to the gym and my wife and I have been saying it for some time. For the first time in a while though, I started to feel the “spiral” everyone talks about. As my job prospects got worse, I got more depressed, which made me drink, which made me sad when I was at work the next day, sucking my energy to work out, so I would drink and so on.

Well last night – I finally felt the best about myself I’ve felt in a long time. My comedy has been going really well, my wife and I started planting fresh plants on our balcony, making the house so bright and yesterday I had two job interviews that went really well. I mean REALLY well, where a billion-dollar company is trying to sell ME the job, and not the other way around. I came home and finally I had a moment of sanity

I could celebrate by having another drink. Or I could finally get my ass back in the gym.

And I’m proud to say that I finally made the right choice. I went back to the gym and (despite the vomit when I was finished) I felt fantastic. Don’t get me wrong; my bench weight has gone down A LOT. My strength has deteriorated massively over the one month period. The worst part was that it’s my normal gym so all the regulars are there and they could notice I was struggling to bench more than 5 reps for 40Kg (my previous build-up weight up to a 70Kg 5-rep ambush).

But hey… fuck them. I’m not here for them. I’m here for me. I’m back. I’m badass and I’m going to make this happen. My bosses are in town next week and they are staying with me during this conference but I don’t care. Saturday and Sunday, I am gymming. Tuesday and Wednesday when we have no evening meetings, I’m gymming. Friday when they leave, I’m gymming.

I’m fired up, the booze is taking a back-seat for a while and my healthy mind is back in charge.

I may be feeling weaker and I may be aching…………….. but I – feel – fantastic.