April 4th – Forcing Myself….

Posted: April 4, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

So yesterday was a pretty rough day if I’m honest.

My core was still (and is still) so raw from the blitz I did on Tuesday with weighted sit ups, leg raises and 7 min drop-sets of weighted-crunches – so much so I actually felt ill all day. On top of this when I posted this on my facebook I got returns from people who I barely know giving me advice like “oh I got that when I first started”. I don’t know why that made me so irrationally angry – that some guy I barely talk to, is assuming in a rookie who “pushed too hard”. I mean, excuse me but f*** off! (See… very irrationally angry.)

As the day wore on, I found myself less and less inspired at work, despite the successes of April Pledge so far and the great progress I’ve been making in my book. The last 2 hours at work I got almost nothing done.

My Depression had come back.

Despite my hopes that April Pledge had somehow fixed this permanently, it was sadly just a stall and yesterday I felt debilitating sadness. I wanted to cry at my desk and tell my boss not to bother renewing my work contract because they were wasting their money on me… Then as I waited for my wife at the end of the day outside the train station I found myself being dragged further down by the numerous rabbit sellers. These are people who drive around with a cart on the back of their bikes filled with rabbits crushed into cages which they can’t move around in. People gawk, and when they want to buy, the seller yanks it out by its head.

I had to physically restrain myself from doing the same to the sellers… (sadly such is China…)

I got home and I just lay down on the bed, half way through undressing, staring at the ceiling. I didn’t want to work out… I wanted a gin and tonic. It was calling to me. Gin & Tonic and my Louie DVD’s – surely that would cheer me up?

Call it divine intervention or just my pride but a tiny voice in my head made me get changed into my workout gear and said “hey you don’t have to do back if you don’t want to buddy. Just do your favourite workout – Chest! That’ll cheer you up and it’s not been worked on this week yet so you won’t be risking injury.”

Well, the good news is – I did just that. I put out the bench, blasted my workout music (much to my cats’ dissatisfaction) and got a serious pump on, working my chest like hell. With the new bowflex, I was pumping out 6 reps of 140lbs (my new personal best!) I was so proud of myself and best of all. The only drink I had last night was a protein shake 🙂

The bad news is today is Friday, and while I’m seeing one of my best friends for my birthday dinner today is the —————–


🙂 Have a great weekend everyone and keep smiling 🙂

  1. Ice_Badger says:

    This is really really awesome!
    I mean it is not awesome that depression is back (believe me I know the feeling) but what is really awesome is despite all that….you did it anyway!
    You worked out despite all those awful feelings and you didn’t drink! You should be really really proud!
    That is far more if an achievement than working out when you feel great!!
    As for the irrational anger…I totally get that! Happens to me too!

    • Thanks, I really appreciate it and although I didn’t feel great when I went to bed, I went to sleep feeling good ABOUT myself which is always nice 🙂

      I’ve only recently come to terms with the fact that I have depression which has resulted in a bad relationship with alcohol. I used to think I was a weird kind of alcoholic that didn’t need to drink until the evening and the drinking made me sad. Only recently I figured out I’ve had it the wrong way round and depression is what makes me drink.

      My biggest step though… today I talked to a friend about it. No one knows about this other than you and the blog readers. I have tried to open up to others before but they don’t get it. Because I seem like such a happy person – they think something is making me sad. They can’t imagine that I’m a “depressed person”….

      Not just saying this but your support and this blog has been a huge step for me… 🙂 So thank you.

      • Ice_Badger says:

        I completely understand! It took me ages to work out that I had depression! It took me longer to work out that I basically had to fix myself! To do things and work out my own way to feeling better! It sounds like you are doing the right things and are making huge steps!
        Telling (select) people is a good thing and more people will understand than you think.
        I am really glad I can help! 🙂
        You know where I am (or at least how to get hold of me) if you need me 🙂

  2. I really appreciate that and well done for you also in your ongoing work! 🙂

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