March 21st – My Shame, My Aching Shame

Posted: March 21, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I’m going to put this bluntly. I fucked up.

I haven’t been to the gym in over a month, which given my personal health goals, is appalling. On top of that I continued to struggle with my relationship with alcohol and have probably had less than 5 days in the last month I have not had a drink. My relationship with alcohol is linked so very much to my depression and the only thing that holds both of those at bay – is exercise. When I gym – I completely lose the will to drink alcohol. My body feels too fired up to drink (as alcohol is a depressant).

I have known for a long time that I should get back to the gym and my wife and I have been saying it for some time. For the first time in a while though, I started to feel the “spiral” everyone talks about. As my job prospects got worse, I got more depressed, which made me drink, which made me sad when I was at work the next day, sucking my energy to work out, so I would drink and so on.

Well last night – I finally felt the best about myself I’ve felt in a long time. My comedy has been going really well, my wife and I started planting fresh plants on our balcony, making the house so bright and yesterday I had two job interviews that went really well. I mean REALLY well, where a billion-dollar company is trying to sell ME the job, and not the other way around. I came home and finally I had a moment of sanity

I could celebrate by having another drink. Or I could finally get my ass back in the gym.

And I’m proud to say that I finally made the right choice. I went back to the gym and (despite the vomit when I was finished) I felt fantastic. Don’t get me wrong; my bench weight has gone down A LOT. My strength has deteriorated massively over the one month period. The worst part was that it’s my normal gym so all the regulars are there and they could notice I was struggling to bench more than 5 reps for 40Kg (my previous build-up weight up to a 70Kg 5-rep ambush).

But hey… fuck them. I’m not here for them. I’m here for me. I’m back. I’m badass and I’m going to make this happen. My bosses are in town next week and they are staying with me during this conference but I don’t care. Saturday and Sunday, I am gymming. Tuesday and Wednesday when we have no evening meetings, I’m gymming. Friday when they leave, I’m gymming.

I’m fired up, the booze is taking a back-seat for a while and my healthy mind is back in charge.

I may be feeling weaker and I may be aching…………….. but I – feel – fantastic.

  1. And as a follow up I must say this. I thank God every day for my wife. She is so patient and keeps me so balanced. With her by my side, it always feels like it’ll all work out.
    Trust your relationships and your family to bring you back to your feet when you’ve hit rock bottom.

  2. Ice_Badger says:

    Really really well done for getting back to the gym!! I know how hard it can be when you have depression and need to find the energy to pull yourself out of it!
    Massive respect for getting back 🙂 You will regain your strength and such, that is just a matter of time 😀 (and work…) but the first step back is the hardest!
    😀 good to see you back!

    • Thanks so much! It was really tough to be honest and I couldn’t come on the blog because i was frankly too ashamed. Every post is about power and positivity and then I totally crumbled. Felt a bit like I was being hypocritical.

      Truth is the blog is about my journey and if I didn’t also have the downs, the blog would be nothing but a fake. We all fall down – but we gotta just get back up.

      Really appreciate the support!! That’s the kind of positivity that gets me through :):):)

      • Ice_Badger says:

        You are right, without the downs there would be no real ups (although that is no consolation when the downs happen!)

        The other option is being medicated to the point that there are neither ups nor downs, and that is really no fun!

        You are back now, and from reading your other posts I am sure you will stay back 😀

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